Irrevocable decisions

Little Grey in the midle

Most pet owners will have had the experience of having to make desicions on behalf of their pets - sometimes knowing it's a desicsion that might put their life at risk - or even the very agonising desicion to have their pet put down. It's not an easy task... it's a bit like acting like God, knowing their life is fully in and at your hands.

Well, yesterday I had to make a desicion on behalf on one of "my" dumpster cats. I put my in quotation marks as they are not mine - but I'm invested in those precious little lives as I've been trying to keep them alive through winter time. Espcecially three of them - the remaining kittens from last autumn. If you've been with this blog for a while, you might remember a little grey cat that didn't make it through the winter time. He died after a few days of intensive care at the vet. He left behind his almost identical sister which I named Little Grey. I felt absolutely set on keeping her alive. 

About three months ago I brought her to the vet for spaying. Some misunderstanding happened and I was sent back with her - minus being spayed. It was believed she had just given birth and it was urgent to get her back to her kittens. Turned out she was still pregnant and some weeks later she gave birth. I made sure to feed her three times a day to keep her boosted knowing she now had kittens. Unfortunately she stopped eating at the beginning of the week. She just sat in front of the food obviously knowing she really had to eat but she just couldn't. Wednesday evening I decided I had to get her to the vet for an antibiotic shot and something fever reducing (to encourage her appetite). I managed to capture her yesterday morning - I was quite apprehensive as she was not an easy catch the first time around. But I managed and I felt relieved knowing I could now get her some help. I told her not to worry and that she would be back with her kittens soon.

Little Grey second to the right - she was very little for her age

Well, luck was not exactly on our side yesterday morning. It was unbeliably hot and we had a wait at the vet that lastet forever. And worst of all, there was cement drilling going on just outside the front door. The dogs being cared for at the vet were barking like mad - and it was just a state of mayhem. With Grey being a real feral, I felt nervous on her behalf of knowing she was scared senseles even though she did not utter a miaow throughout. Eventually she had her examination which went relatively smoothly. We had a second cat that needed a quick examination but then we were ready to pay and head back quickly to release Grey back with her kittens. I went to the car with the one cat and Grey stayed with my husband as he was settling the bill. I waited in the car for what seemed like forever and eventually decided to walk inside to see what was taking so long. I met the sight of an empty cage and I uttered to my husband; What happened?? I was in a state of utter disbelief at his answer; She just died! Apparently she has suddenly let out this peculiar miaow (one that the vet must have heard before, because he apparently said; What was that??). They'd tried instant resusitation but without luck. The vet had then brought her to another room and made some more attempts to revive her but sadly Little Grey was gone... Most probably due to the stress of the situation (the vet seemd to think this is what caused her to die so sudden). You can figure the swirl of thoughts going through my head. Why the bleep had I brought her there? I'd let her down. How was I going to find her feral kittens?? (cats are masters at disguising the hiding places of their kittens). Why why why... An absolute heart-ache began to set in. I'd wowed to keep her alive and give her the best possible life. No more calling out "Little Grey" who would always coming flying whenever I called her name. Just a sadness and grief descending. 

Then I knew there was no time to spare - I had to rush back to try and find her kittens. In spite of searching several times and listening in the most intent of ways - there were just simply no kittens to be found. Even after dark.

I have figured they must now be around 8 weeks and there's at least some chance they can go in search of food. There are houses around in their area and I'm obviously keeping my fingers crossed.

This morning when I went around to search again and I DID suddenly hear a tiny kitten cry from further down the road. I don't think it's one of hers - it's only about 4 weeks old, but my, the state this poor kitten was in. It'd definitely been on it's own for a while. But more about that resuce over the weekend. But it did leave me feeling of a certain cycle of life - one cat dies and another gets a chance to live. But I will miss Little Grey so much... and again try to recover from the ineviteable "What ifs."